


Hell was the Journey but it Brought Me Heaven

by Ncisjes



Category: NCIS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:22:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26648950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ncisjes/pseuds/Ncisjes
Summary: Set with 17x01 but AU following. Ziva processes the aftermath of the past few years.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	Hell was the Journey but it Brought Me Heaven

**Author's Note:**

  * For [benditlikepress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/benditlikepress/gifts).



She throws her bag on the table immediately upon entering the hotel room. It makes a loud thud from the multiple weapons inside. Sliding her phone out of her pocket, she sends a quick text to Odette letting her know where to collect the car. When Odette calls a few seconds later, she sends her straight to voicemail. She needs to be alone right now. Her eyes widen as she takes in her elegant surroundings knowing that this is what she had promised herself once this was all over.

_It's over._

Back against the wall, she sinks to the floor as the tears begin to silently fall down her face. All the pain, all the suffering, all the emptiness, all the emotions she has shut down for the past few years flood through her body as she begins to shake. Wrapping her arms around her knees, she rocks herself back and forth, trying to soothe the anxiety running through her veins. She begins to sing softly to herself, the same song she always sings, the one she sang to Tali the night she gave her to Orli to be taken to her father. It gives her comfort and stabs her in the heart all the same. Reaching into her pocket with a shaky hand, she withdraws the cloth, letting it fall open to remove one of the pills. She knows she is not strong enough to fight this battle alone tonight.

When the tears finally stop falling she stands, steadying herself with a firm shake of her hands. Dusting off her pants, she notes all the dirt, grime, and blood she’s covered in.

_Sahar’s blood._

She quickly makes her way into the bathroom, turning on the faucet and running the cold water over her face. She stares at herself in the mirror as the droplets fall to the marble. For a moment, she is transcended back in time to a memory that feels like another life. Knowing she needs to wash off the day, the past three years really, she fills the tub with hot water and strips to nothing. Sliding into the sudsy escape, her muscles spasm with relief as she lays her head back.

She soaks in the water for what feels like hours, scrubbing as if the past could just simply be washed away. Once she is satisfied, she drains the murky water and watches it flow down to nothing. As the tub refills, she feels the medicine do its trick; her breathing calms and the water spreads it’s warmth through her body. Shutting off the tap, she leans back against the marble and lets her eyes flutter closed. 

_The sweet taste of strawberries fills her mouth, taking a bite from the ripe one in Tony’s hand. He takes a bite himself before dropping it into the champagne glass. Leaning forward to kiss her, his hand snakes between her legs, catching her off guard._

_“Tony!” She chastises him laughingly, splashing a handful of bubbles at him in the large oversized jacuzzi tub._

_“Enjoying Paris?” Tony asks cheekily, taking another bite from a strawberry._

_“I am, but I would enjoy anywhere I am with you.” She responds smarmily._

_“I am just glad to have you back in one piece.” His comment followed by another kiss._

_Their chests press together as she straddles him; her arms wrapping around his neck. His hands find the small of her back, making soft soothing circles there. His fingertips move to her wet curls while hers stoke the tufts of hair at the back of his neck. The kiss deepens as she begins to thrust in tandem with his fingers. Suddenly Tony feels a distinct droplet against his upper lip, but brushes it off . When the second drop falls against his chest, Tony pulls away; stunned to see blood running from her nose and mouth. She looks him dead in the eye before her eyes roll back into her head as she loses consciousness._

_“Ziva- ZIVA!” His call turns to panic as she falls out of his arms backwards into the tub._

The ice cold water flies through the room as her entire body sits up in shock. She gasps for air as if she hasn’t taken a breath since she said goodbye to her daughter. Her eyes dart around the room, trying to distinguish where exactly she is. The memories slam through her brain, causing her head to throb. Her hand dives for the stopper, turning it quickly to drain the tub for the last time. Once she gets her bearings, she stands and turns on the shower. 

The water rains down on her as she tries to reign in her thoughts. Her chest is tight again. Her breathing is labored. Her hands reach out for the shower wall in hopes of finding some semblance of balance. She sees a red speck of blood on the floor and hastily checks herself for any open wounds. Finding none, she knows her mind must be playing tricks on her. She begins to wash her hair, trying to focus on the facts at hand. Tali is safe. Tony is safe. She is safe. She is booked in an expensive hotel room. She left Gibbs with her number in case of an emergency. Sahar is dead. 

_Sahar is dead_. 

Collapsing to all fours, she begins to vomit violently until nothing is left. The dry heaves rack her body as the warm water washes away the mess. 

Emerging from the shower wrapped in a fluffy white robe, she dabs at her hair with a towel absentmindedly. Padding around the suite, she finds a tray of an assortment of cheeses, grapes, and crackers. Casting the towel aside, she grabs the tray and plops down on the couch. She takes a bite out of a grape and is transported back again, this time to a similar hotel room under very different circumstances. 

Triggered by another memory, she sits up and reaches for her discarded bag. Dragging the zipper down, she finds the rectangular black box wrapped with a white ribbon. The glass is cold against her palm as she removes the bottle. Reading the fancy script, she smiles at Odette’s attention to detail. She had planned on sharing this wine with Tony when all of this was said and done. After all, it was the same bottle they shared in Paris all those years ago, but the fantasy of her family waiting to greet her as soon as the threat was eliminated was too idealistic. The danger was too great and the fallout was unforeseen. Grabbing her knife, she opens the bottle using a fancy maneuver her sister taught her. She takes a sip and smiles bittersweetly. 

Hours pass as she finds herself finishing the bottle. It warms her body and eases the tightness in her chest. She has never been a lightweight, but not drinking unless necessary the past few years was making her one tonight. She stumbles to the bed as she shrugs off her robe, pulls back the covers, and falls face first into the silky sheets. She laughs at herself as she reaches for the cloth of pills where she left them on the nightstand. Knocking them to the floor with her uncoordinated movements, she manages to catch one. She swallows it dry, not remembering she had taken one previously. 

She tosses and turns in the oversized bed, covering and uncovering herself with the sheet. Feeling a familiar pull low in her belly, she presses her thighs together to ease the ache between them; the wine making her wanton for release. Rolling to her back, she runs her thumb over her cheekbone to her lips, down her throat to her necklace between her breasts. She pauses there, soaking in the pleasure her movements have created, the alcohol intensifying every touch. Her fingers move to thumb her nipple as her neck rolls against the pillow. Letting out a moan, her imagination runs wild with memories that made her toes curl. 

_Tony driving delicately but deliberately into her in the room where she and Tali were born. Finding each other between the sheets in the hotel room in Berlin. Losing herself on top of him in his apartment before she went to Israel to bury her father._

Her fingers find the sensitized nub between her thighs and she lets out a small scream at the contact. Her hips roll to match the rhythm of her touch. The memories continue to roll in her mind. 

_Carving marks into Tony’s back with her nails as he thrust into her against the wall in her apartment after Harper Dearing tried to blow them all up. Tony guiding her hips up and down, kissing her neck as they made slow sweet love in Paris. Using his tongue to prove just how much he missed her while he was an agent afloat._

Dipping her fingers inside of herself, she curls them upward before drawing them out and around her, giving her more leverage. Her free hand finds her lips as she pushes her fingers inside her mouth, coating and nipping them as he would. 

_Ripping off each other's clothes in her living room after Vance disbanded the team and they thought they would never see each other again. In the shower, and later in the bed after processing the crime scene in L.A. when Jenny was killed._

Her wet fingertips find her nipple once more, squeezing it tight as she thrusts her hips to intensify the feeling of her thumb pressed hardly between her thighs. Eyes squeezing shut she gives into the pulsing pleasure flooding throughout her body, trying to find the point of release. Her efforts are not enough as she finds herself craving more. Grabbing a pillow, she quickly mounts it; thrusting against it like she would if he were below her. 

_Drunkenly ambushing Tony in the middle of the night after letting Locke go, knowing he’d never compare. Tony pinning her against the wall in her apartment after Gibbs left, thrusting together fully clothed until they both screamed. Undercover in the hotel room, slowly sliding onto him; feeling him fill her full._

She scratches at the mattress below her, gripping the sheets tightly between her fingertips trying to build the friction. Grabbing her breasts she grinds her hips into the pillow, pushing herself harder and harder into the mattress. 

_Tony and her in the locker room, Tony and her in the shower, Tony and her in interrogation, Tony...Tony...Tony_

The stitching of the pillow hits her sweet spot just right sending her spiralling over the edge as her orgasm takes her, her whole body contracting and releasing simultaneously. Her screams fill the room as she rides the wave into oblivion. Collapsing into the mattress, her body finds the relief it hasn’t felt in years. Her mind goes hazy as she surrenders to a deep sleep. 

_The smell of knish fills her nostrils when she wakes. Taking in the all too familiar surroundings, she hears her mother's voice singing softly. Rising from the couch cushions she follows the delicious aroma into the kitchen she grew up in._

_“Not too thick darling. We want the potatoes to be nice and soft when we bite into them.”_

_“Yes Ima.”_

_Ziva takes in the little girl before her, the curls, the deep tan skin, the smile. It’s almost as if she lived a completely different life when her mother was alive. A normal one filled with playfulness, laughter and love. She finds herself awestruck watching her younger self, so unaware of the horrors life would come to offer her._

_Wanting to take a closer look, she moves to sit down at the table when a sharp prick spreads through her finger and she hears a high pitched scream. Her thumb caresses the spot as she observes her mother running to her younger self with a dishcloth to wrap her newly cut finger. Drying her tears, she hugs her, and Ziva feels the warmth spread throughout her body. She moves again to take a closer look at her mother when the door swings open and three men storm in covered in blood._

_Her mother's cries fill the room as they stumble into the kitchen, one of them shouting to clear the table. Her father falls face first in front of her, into the stack of potatoes she had just cut, knocking them to the ground. His eyes flutter open briefly locking onto hers, telling her silently to leave before passing out from the pain._

_The men flip him over on the table as she hears one of them scream at her mother to get her out of there. Seeing her rooted firmly in her spot sobbing at the sight before her, the man grabs Ziva and throws her into the hallway. She runs as fast as she can down to the babies room, hiding under the crib._

Tossing and turning in bed, her eyes move rapidly beneath their lids as she curls into the fetal position. Tears silently falling down her face as the next dream takes her. 

_When she wakes the second time, she sees a small twin bed across from the one she is currently laid in and knows she’s in her father's apartment. The door opens, her mother entering and quickly shutting it behind her. Padding softly, she makes her way to the bed and sits down next to Ziva, urging her with her hip to scoot over. Ziva laughs as she makes room for her mother, taking her hand when she offers it._

_“You have grown up so beautifully my beloved daughter.” Her voice is soft as she strokes Ziva’s face, tracing every detail from her eyebrow to the curve of her lip. “And your daughter will too.”_

_“We get it from you Ima, you have always been the most beautiful woman I have ever known.” Ziva smiles, turning into her touch._

_“You are too kind. You have always seen the best in people, even when there was not much to see.”_

_Ziva chuckles at that, knowing that her mother did the same. Hugging to her side, she relaxes as she feels soft hands begin to massage her scalp._

_“I cannot stay darling, your father cannot find me here, but I wanted to see you one more time.”_

_“But you have just gotten here. Why can you not stay?” Ziva questions, sitting up into her arms._

_Giving no response, her mother kisses her forehead and stands to leave. Ziva tries desperately to hold on to her but it seems the harder she tries the more she slips away. Giving one last look over her shoulder, she waves to Ziva and disappears from the room._

_Darting after her, Ziva races to the door in hopes to catch one more glimpse, but when it swings open she is met with her father’s face at the dinner table. Tali passes a bowl to Ari and smiles at the face he makes, noting his distaste for their father’s cooking._

_“Finally you have decided to join us. Come. Sit. Eat.”_

_Walking over to the table, Ziva stares at Tali in hopes of remembering every feature on her face._

_“But the best musical number by far was Amore o grillo Abba. Pinkerton doesn’t know if he’s in love with Butterfly or if he is just bewitched by her beauty.” Tali gushes._

_“That is wonderful Tali, did you thank your sister for taking you to the Opera?” Eli asks, taking a bite of his food._

_“Of course Abba… and Abba?”_

_“Yes sweetheart?”_

_“I was thinking that instead of joining the IDF like Ziva and Ari, that maybe I could be an opera singer and travel the world singing in different opera houses.” Tali starts nervously but her excitement grows with each word._

_“This is a childish dream Tali. Your country needs you. You will join when you are of age. No discussion.”_

_“But Abba, even you cry when I sing. Everyone says I have a beautiful voice!”_

_“I will not hear another word of it.”_

_“But Abba!”_

_“Enough!” Eli screams as the back of his hand makes contact with Tali’s face, busting her lip open._

_It is then that Ari goes to the bookshelf where all of their fathers awards, his most prized possessions, are. Arm stretched out, he runs his hand across the shelf knocking each one to the floor, taking pleasure in watching the glass shatter around him._

_Eli’s eyes glaze with fire as he stands and starts to undo his belt buckle, his anger growing each second with Ari’s smirk daring him to retaliate._

_“Ziva, go take your sister to get cleaned up.”_

_Grabbing Tali’s hand, Ziva does as she’s told, taking her back to the bedroom she had just left._

_“Get on your knees and remove your shirt. Pray for my mercy.”_

_Looking over her shoulder, she sees Ari kneeling with his bare back to their father. Just as she is about to shut the door, Eli cracks the belt against Ari’s back, making him double over in pain._

“STOP IT!” Ziva yells, her legs kicking at the sheets as she tosses and turns.

_Seated at a park bench, Ziva strums her fingers over the metal watching her target look over the menu at a coffee cart. She nearly jumps as her brother hops over the back and takes a seat next to her, nearly blowing her recon._

_“What are you doing? You’re not supposed to be here!” She chastises him._

_“Relax, we are far enough away that she cannot see us. I had to know if she is as beautiful in person as she is in her photos.”_

_“Really Ari? You are risking my mission so that you can check her out?” Ziva scoffs._

_“You know, you two will never meet. You could have some fun with her.”_

_“Not sure I am her type, plus she is more yours anyway.”_

_“Still hung up on Monique?”_

_“That is not something I wish to discuss.”_

_“Suit yourself.” Ari smirks as he gets up to approach their mark._

_“Ari!” Ziva calls after him._

_He walks backwards as he sticks his tongue out at her, laughing at his little game when suddenly a shot rings out, hitting his temple and knocking him to the ground._

“Ari!” she screams out, the sobs racking her body as she sits up shaking. She starts to hyperventilate but suddenly falls back against the mattress. 

_“I told you to save him!”_

_“He could not be saved! You turned him into a monster and for that who knows how many innocents are dead!”_

_Her father's eyes are stone cold as glares into him. His entire body tense as his fists clench, resisting the urge to retaliate physically._

_“I have approved your request to become a liaison officer with NCIS. Perhaps there you can find solace, because here I have none for you. You killed your only brother and that is a burden you will have to bear.”_

_Her eyes fill with tears as she storms out of the office, the door slamming behind her._

“No… no.” She mumbles to herself as she weeps. Clutching the blankets to her chest as the chill runs through her body.

_“It's all your fault you know.” Sahar sneers as she circles her. Tied to a chair, Ziva tries to stay conscious as the pain builds in her body._

_“No.”_

_“Your sister. Your mother. Your brother. Your father. They are all dead because of you.”_

_“No.”_

_“It’s no wonder you never settled down; bringing such heartbreak on everyone you meet.”_

_Ziva tries not to react, but the cocktail Sahar injected her with has relaxed her too much._

_“What’s that? Is there something you’re hiding from me? Ziva David has a family?”_

_“No.”_

_“Do not lie to me!” Sahar screams at her as she slaps her across the face, drawing blood from Ziva’s mouth._

_“I will find them and I will kill them and you will die knowing you have no one in this world. I will take everything from you just like you took everything from me.”_

“NO!” Ziva shouts at the top of her lungs, her whole body convulsing in rejection before passing out into the pillows. 

_She feels the warmth of the sun on her face as she wakes. A wave of calm washes over her as her eyes flutter open and are met with emerald green ones starting down at her._

_“Hey. You’re awake.” He smiles at her, taking her hand in his._

_“Tali.” Ziva sits up with a start, clutching the blankets to her chest._

_“She’s here. She’s playing.” Tony assures her. His eyes leading her to the edge of the bed._

_On the floor Tali is sitting on a blanket with her toys. She picks up a toy plane and zooms it through the air, running to the end of the room._

_“I thought I had lost you.” Her head falls as her eyes fill with tears. Her heart filled with relief to see them both there._

_“You couldn’t do that if you tried.” Tony says softly._

_“It has been so hard.” Her voice breaks as the emotions overwhelm her._

_“I know it has, but you’re here. We’re here. You made the hard choice of leaving us but it was the right one. You kept us safe and put your life on the line.” Tony’s eyes glisten as his hand runs soothingly up and down her back._

_Foreheads pressed together, they hold each other as if they were making up for all the lost times. Not only in the past three years but in all of the years in their relationship as partners. Tony pulls back to kiss her lips softly, relishing in the feel of the softness of them._

_“We love you Ziva. Tali loves you. I love you.” Tony whispers against her lips._

_“IMA!” Tali yells as she runs toward them._

The room is bright with light when she wakes, the light spilling through the floor to ceiling windows. Turning over to check the time she notes the ease in her movements, the tension she has carried for the past few years seeming to dissipate for the moment at least. Rising from the bed she retrieves her robe from the floor and dons it as she calls down for room service.

She tidies the room as she waits, retrieving the pills she had knocked over as well as straightening the sheets. The bell boy arrives with lunch and delivers a black garment bag she knows Odette must have dropped off. Inside a white suit similar to the one she wore for a different occasion hangs. She eats quickly in anticipation of what the rest of the day holds for her. 

Her heels click as she walks down the terminal to board the plane in first class. Retrieving her phone from her pocket she dials the number she had committed to memory in fear of leaving a trail. She feels her heart beat in anticipation with every ring, knowing there may not be an answer due to the time difference. When she here’s the voicemail tone her message is simple:

“I’ll see you soon.”


End file.
